I'm a jerk. Jenn needs someone better.

[micaturtle]

I am an asshole. I don't deserve Jenn and she would be completely justified if she decided to leave me...

*sai*



Looking back over my past journal entries, I realize I haven't said much of what has happened. The situation is this: my girlfriend, Jennifer, has had some bad experiences with incest, and to be supportive, I told promised her I would refrain from reading or looking at turtlecest.

Anyway, last night Jennifer looked through my browser history and found that I had read some turtlecest stories in the last few weeks. ... I can't and won't make excuses for my behavior. I'm a liar and a jerk.

I am so frustrated with myself. Even after all the hullabaloo I've made about turtlecest, I went and read it. It's VERY hard for me to admit, and a bit embarrassing, but turtlecest is interesting to me. However, the interest is exclusively because it's ninja turtles. In all of my other fandoms, incest squicks me!

However, there is no excuse for what I did. I lied to and deceived the most important person in my life. I feel like dirt. I am dirt. :[

The sad thing is, even if I say I will never do it again, I'm not sure if I can mean it. Does that mean I'm an evil and/or weak person? ... probably. *sai* Even if I *WAS* able to completely and truthfully vow that I would never ever look at t-cest again, Jenn wouldn't be able to believe me because A) I've lost her trust, and B) I've made this mistake and looked at turtlecest before and then I had promised at that time to never look at it again before... a promise I sadly broke.

I'm such a heel.

PLEASE VERBALLY ABUSE ME IN THE COMMENTS SECTION. I COMPLETELY DESERVE IT.

Comments

[micaturtle.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much for your supportive comment Kaz. I really appreciate it. Yeah, Jen and I have a counselor appt tonight. We ARE going to sit down and talk it out.

BTW, that reminds me, can I have your cell phone #? mine is 605-359-3024 (and if you have a blackberry, my Blackberry Mssgr ID is 315ED144)

[horsetechie.livejournal.com]

Shame.. shame... SHAME! *pulls our her long stinging horsey whip to spack you on your palms a few times*

*puts away her mommy hat*

Yes... is NOT good to break a promise like that. Would it help to motivate you that the reason I haven't been into that stuff, even plain ol slash or juicy het lemons, was because I wanted to respect my husband. He didn't like me relishing that stuff either.

It's been a year and a few months since I last read anything smutty. (..of course, being busy as hell in real life also helped...)

Suggestion! If you crave the smut, how about asking what Jen likes. Maybe you two can compromise on a fav smut, and then watch it together. THat's what hubby and I do, so we can keep our "needs met". ;p

[micaturtle.livejournal.com]

thank you for the lashing. I *SO* deserved it. Bad Mica, no treat!

That's interesting that your hubbie doesnt want you reading smut either! :| hmmm... When did he ask you to not read it? Is he anti all smut or just TMNT smut? (sorry if this is prying too much, feel free to tell me to buzz off)

That's cool that you and your husband can watch something you like together. *sai* the sad thing is that Jenn doesn't looking at much. However, maybe if I do a little more research, I can find something we can both enjoy. Thanks for the suggestion.

This also explains why there havent been any updates to "Forces Within Yin & Yang" *pout* I like that story!

[horsetechie.livejournal.com]

*snrk* And to think, I usully leave the punishing of the kids to my husband, cause he can really make it sting good. I'm such a whimp.

Brad didn't outright tell me to stop reading it, but I can tell from his attitude that he did not like me getting my jollies from this stuff. Especailly when it seemed like I rather read fic or look at the art more than fangirl over him in the same way.

And it wasn't just TMNT smut... Transformer smut too. Just anything that was animated and otherwise intended for kids just really made him feel embarrassed about me.

As for the sharing, it does make sense. When you share porn flicks, it makes you understand what sort of acceptible turns are your turn-ons for love making. We liked to call it education to see what the couples (or threesomes) in the porn vids would do differently.

Cause it actually is like a passive form of cheating on each other. I can see why Jenn feels angry cause it sounds like you rahter get your jollies form the smut fic and that she is not satisfying your need in that area enough. Or vice versa, you feel like she is not doing enough to satisfy you. That is where you have to use this as a wake-up call to change something about the way you communicate and be intimate with each other.... not easy though. I still struggle with that detail with my husband (due to the cultural thing).

This also explains why there havent been any updates to "Forces Within Yin & Yang" *pout* I like that story!

*lol* Not entirely. After the Transformer bug bit me, I moved over to reading/ writing/ roleplaying TF smut instead! ;d

[micaturtle.livejournal.com]

that's weird! Jenn's rules are the opposite! She doesn't want me looking at real life porn, but she's okay with animated stuff!

Jenn has made the same arguement out loud to me about why she can't be all I need to satisfy myself in that area. However, it's very hard for me because I enjoy the written word so much. *sigh*

I shall have to try harder to find something Jenn & I can share. I just get so afraid I am going to hurt and/or overwhelm her.

Yeah, that cultural thing has to be a beech. I can imagine Korean men don't like to open up very much. (plus the fact that he's a man and feelings are "girly")

[horsetechie.livejournal.com]

Heh.. that's funny. I guess Jenn thinks animated porn is not real, so it can't be as bad?

Good luck with your progress. Hopefully your therapy can help sort things out together too.

Aye... Brad is geting to the point he prefers his mancave to hide in and do his own thing. Decided he really doesn't want to be the highly involved (and evolved?) wife-pleasing family man like so many others are becoming in this day n age. ;p

[mindy-mousie.livejournal.com]

Work on that communication barrier. Work on it.

[greenwillow27.livejournal.com]

There's a huge trust problem here. You've violated her trust but she doesn't trust you in the first place.
You guys need to sit down with an impartial 3rd party and talk about what being in a relationship even means.

[greenwillow27.livejournal.com]

You are playing right into what I think is Jenn's firm belief that she will always be betrayed by those closest to her.

Why are you doing that? I mean that seriously-- it's really important for you to figure out what your motive is.
I'm guessing you actually know, though you may not want to admit it.

[micaturtle.livejournal.com]

I don;t MEAN to play into Jenn's belief. *sai* I dont really think I have much of a subconcious motive. Other than "I want to look at that." :|

To Jenn's credit, she has slowly been learning to trust me. She hasn't "checked up" on me (meaning looked through my browser history) for at least a few months before this. Unfortunately, I shook her confidence in me by being a dumbface and not telling her this monday when I took the afternoon off work to hang out with one of my friends. Otherwise, she probably wouldn't have even looked thru my browser history :{

Jenn & I have an appointment with our counselor tomorrow night, I wish we could have gotten it earlier. *sai*

Thanks for your open and honest advice, GW. I appreciate you putting on your therapist hat even when you weren't paid *huuuugs*

[fina-j.livejournal.com]

Hey, hold on!
Did I cause friction? I know I can be oblivious to stuff sometimes, and I know I do things on a really fly by scale, but I understand that people have lives and work, and I really don't expect you to drop everything and hang out with me.
As for the turtlecest stuff, just keep working on it. When you first start giving up stuff like that it can be really hard (and on occasion people can fall through the cracks). All you can do get up the next day, start over and try to do better; also go to the 3rd party so you can work on your communication and have a negotiations officer present.
Sorry, I'm late in replying. I haven't looked at this site for awhile.

[micaturtle.livejournal.com]

No, you didn't cause any friction, Kat. Don't worry about it. I made a bad choice. She wasn't even really mad that I went out with you, she was mad because I didn't TELL her. It was my bad.

Awww, thanks so much for the vote of support. I will just try to do better. :)

[greenwillow27.livejournal.com]

You're welcome.

((HUGS)) back atacha!

[mindy-mousie.livejournal.com]

And she said what I wanted to say, but I didn't feel like I was in a position to say it being that I haven't known you and Jenn for a long time.

I had trouble trusting anyone for a long time..

[micaturtle.livejournal.com]

thanks mindy. Feel free to always speak your mind. I consider you a nice person and a good friend.

What did you do to overcome your fear of trusting people, Mindy? Any thoughts/suggestions/tips??

[mindy-mousie.livejournal.com]

Time, dear. That's all. And taking risks.

[lady-ganesh.livejournal.com]

I am just walking around seconding GW's comments today. What she said.

[chibikameai.livejournal.com]

Man, I just don't know what to say except that I really hope you guys work this out. I mean I seriously look up towards you guys. I root for you all the time. Just talk things out.

[aussiegirl17.livejournal.com]

As I mentioned on Jenn's post, I don't know if it's my place to say anything but I consider the two of you friends and I want to offer my support.

I echo a lot of what has been said: there is a deep need for communication. I really hope for the best for both of you. *hugs*

[micaturtle.livejournal.com]

Aussie, don't EVER feel that it isn't your place to comment. I wouldn't have put the situation up here on LJ if I didn't want people to comment on it. (On a side note, WHY do you think it's not your place to say anything?)

Thanks for the support. It makes me feel better to know that my friends are thinking about us and rooting for our success.

Thanks *huuugs*

[aussiegirl17.livejournal.com]

The reason I felt it wasn't my place to comment on yours or Jenn's post about this is because of my affiliation with tcest. I don't know why I feel that way. I guess I don't want to inadvertently cause a problem since I'm into the very thing that is the foundation to this current rift. ^^;

I'm probably being overtly sensitive but I just don't want to inadvertantly offend either one of you. ^^

[micaturtle.livejournal.com]

awww, you're sweet! *snugs*

I think the reason Jenn put "not for t-cesters" is because she didn't want anyone going into that post and trying to defend t-cest to her.

As I've said before, Jenn & I both have ABSOLUTELY no problem with people who read/write/lookat/draw t-cest. ManyMOST of them are awesome people and great friends.

Thanks! *huuugs*

[autumndandelion.livejournal.com]

Everyone makes mistakes, Mica. If you're not sure you can steer clear of tcest altogether, let Jenn know this. Let her know that you want to do this for her but admit your shortcomings, that tcest fics are tempting. I hope y'all can work this out.

[micaturtle.livejournal.com]

thanks so much, dudette. I think that admitting that it's very hard for me to steer clear of t-cest is the VERY hardest part for me. It's like admitting defeat and admitting that I am weak or something. *sai*

Thanks so much for the awesome advice. *huugs*

[jem0000000.livejournal.com]

"PLEASE VERBALLY ABUSE ME IN THE COMMENTS SECTION. I COMPLETELY DESERVE IT."

Don't. Penance is only cool if you're Catholic. Otherwise, it's just going to make things worse. At best, it will distract from things that will genuinely help -- like GW's suggestion. At worse, it may damage other relationships, and that will take time and energy away from focusing on the relationship that's already damaged.

I would also suggest that you talk about why you're attracted to turtlecest with a neutral third party; there may be something besides turtlecest that can fulfill the same desires.

[micaturtle.livejournal.com]

But I *AM* catholic! ... *twitch* hee hee ;) Seriously though, I just felt so awful when I wrote this entry that I was hoping for a little verbal abuse. (Looking back, I don't know why now, maybe so I could get my back up a little and in defending myself, change my negative self-talk a little) However, I feel much better today after some time has passed.

Jenn & I have a therapist appointment tonight, and we talked about the situation more last night.

Thanks so much for your support and advice *huuugs*

[jem0000000.livejournal.com]

Lol, are you really?

*hugs* That makes some sense.

Good.

You're always welcome to it. :) *hugs*

[0cean.livejournal.com]

Trust can be rebuilt. It might take some time, but it can happen.

I say just be honest - not only with Jenn but with yourself. If you can't promise something then I would stay away from doing that.

I think you guys are great together, and I KNOW FOR A FACT that Jenn loves you very very much. I hope you guys can work this out, but on an honest note - when you promise something and then break that promise it only takes so much of that before the relationship is broken.

ALTHOUGH - I see the willingness you both have to work things out, it inspires me so much in my own life that I REALLY hope you guys can work things out. Mica I know you are good for my sister, you take care of her & she takes care of you. I wish you guys ALL the luck, because I hope you can succeed :)

*HUGS* Hang in there.

Mica not to be too personal - but have you ever considered that maybe you could have a mild sex addiction? I don't know if this is the case, it was just a thought to maybe think about?

[micaturtle.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much tabatha. Please know that your support means the world to Jenn and me.

It is good advice to be honest. It just seems to be so much harder than it should be. Especailly being honest with myself *sai*

I think I may have a MILD sex/porn addiction. *sai*

Thanks so much for your support/thoughts/advice *huuugs* see you in a few weeks!

[greenwillow27.livejournal.com]

I think I may have a MILD sex/porn addiction.

I hate to say it but that's like saying you think you might be a little bit pregnant.
Either you meet the diagnostic criteria or you don't.
And honestly, if it's hard to be honest about it with yourself, that's the biggest red flag I see waving.

I know you plan to, and I'm applauding you going forth to check it out.