I'm a jerk. Jenn needs someone better.

[micaturtle]

I am an asshole. I don't deserve Jenn and she would be completely justified if she decided to leave me...

*sai*



Looking back over my past journal entries, I realize I haven't said much of what has happened. The situation is this: my girlfriend, Jennifer, has had some bad experiences with incest, and to be supportive, I told promised her I would refrain from reading or looking at turtlecest.

Anyway, last night Jennifer looked through my browser history and found that I had read some turtlecest stories in the last few weeks. ... I can't and won't make excuses for my behavior. I'm a liar and a jerk.

I am so frustrated with myself. Even after all the hullabaloo I've made about turtlecest, I went and read it. It's VERY hard for me to admit, and a bit embarrassing, but turtlecest is interesting to me. However, the interest is exclusively because it's ninja turtles. In all of my other fandoms, incest squicks me!

However, there is no excuse for what I did. I lied to and deceived the most important person in my life. I feel like dirt. I am dirt. :[

The sad thing is, even if I say I will never do it again, I'm not sure if I can mean it. Does that mean I'm an evil and/or weak person? ... probably. *sai* Even if I *WAS* able to completely and truthfully vow that I would never ever look at t-cest again, Jenn wouldn't be able to believe me because A) I've lost her trust, and B) I've made this mistake and looked at turtlecest before and then I had promised at that time to never look at it again before... a promise I sadly broke.

I'm such a heel.

PLEASE VERBALLY ABUSE ME IN THE COMMENTS SECTION. I COMPLETELY DESERVE IT.

Comments

[0cean.livejournal.com]

Trust can be rebuilt. It might take some time, but it can happen.

I say just be honest - not only with Jenn but with yourself. If you can't promise something then I would stay away from doing that.

I think you guys are great together, and I KNOW FOR A FACT that Jenn loves you very very much. I hope you guys can work this out, but on an honest note - when you promise something and then break that promise it only takes so much of that before the relationship is broken.

ALTHOUGH - I see the willingness you both have to work things out, it inspires me so much in my own life that I REALLY hope you guys can work things out. Mica I know you are good for my sister, you take care of her & she takes care of you. I wish you guys ALL the luck, because I hope you can succeed :)

*HUGS* Hang in there.

Mica not to be too personal - but have you ever considered that maybe you could have a mild sex addiction? I don't know if this is the case, it was just a thought to maybe think about?

[micaturtle.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much tabatha. Please know that your support means the world to Jenn and me.

It is good advice to be honest. It just seems to be so much harder than it should be. Especailly being honest with myself *sai*

I think I may have a MILD sex/porn addiction. *sai*

Thanks so much for your support/thoughts/advice *huuugs* see you in a few weeks!

[greenwillow27.livejournal.com]

I think I may have a MILD sex/porn addiction.

I hate to say it but that's like saying you think you might be a little bit pregnant.
Either you meet the diagnostic criteria or you don't.
And honestly, if it's hard to be honest about it with yourself, that's the biggest red flag I see waving.

I know you plan to, and I'm applauding you going forth to check it out.