micaturtle | I'm a jerk. Jenn needs someone better.

I am an asshole. I don't deserve Jenn and she would be completely justified if she decided to leave me...

*sai*

Looking back over my past journal entries, I realize I haven't said much of what has happened. The situation is this: my girlfriend, Jennifer, has had some bad experiences with incest, and to be supportive, I ~~told~~ promised her I would refrain from reading or looking at turtlecest.

Anyway, last night Jennifer looked through my browser history and found that I had read some turtlecest stories in the last few weeks. ... I can't and won't make excuses for my behavior. I'm a liar and a jerk.

I am so frustrated with myself. Even after all the hullabaloo I've made about turtlecest, I went and read it. It's VERY hard for me to admit, and a bit embarrassing, but turtlecest is interesting to me. However, the interest is exclusively because it's ninja turtles. In all of my other fandoms, incest squicks me!

However, there is no excuse for what I did. I lied to and deceived the most important person in my life. I feel like dirt. I am dirt. :[

The sad thing is, even if I say I will never do it again, I'm not sure if I can mean it. Does that mean I'm an evil and/or weak person? ... probably. *sai* Even if I *WAS* able to completely and truthfully vow that I would never ever look at t-cest again, Jenn wouldn't be able to believe me because A) I've lost her trust, and B) I've made this mistake and looked at turtlecest before and then I had promised at that time to never look at it again before... a promise I sadly broke.

I'm such a heel.

PLEASE VERBALLY ABUSE ME IN THE COMMENTS SECTION. I COMPLETELY DESERVE IT.