I'm a jerk. Jenn needs someone better.

[micaturtle]

I am an asshole. I don't deserve Jenn and she would be completely justified if she decided to leave me...

*sai*



Looking back over my past journal entries, I realize I haven't said much of what has happened. The situation is this: my girlfriend, Jennifer, has had some bad experiences with incest, and to be supportive, I told promised her I would refrain from reading or looking at turtlecest.

Anyway, last night Jennifer looked through my browser history and found that I had read some turtlecest stories in the last few weeks. ... I can't and won't make excuses for my behavior. I'm a liar and a jerk.

I am so frustrated with myself. Even after all the hullabaloo I've made about turtlecest, I went and read it. It's VERY hard for me to admit, and a bit embarrassing, but turtlecest is interesting to me. However, the interest is exclusively because it's ninja turtles. In all of my other fandoms, incest squicks me!

However, there is no excuse for what I did. I lied to and deceived the most important person in my life. I feel like dirt. I am dirt. :[

The sad thing is, even if I say I will never do it again, I'm not sure if I can mean it. Does that mean I'm an evil and/or weak person? ... probably. *sai* Even if I *WAS* able to completely and truthfully vow that I would never ever look at t-cest again, Jenn wouldn't be able to believe me because A) I've lost her trust, and B) I've made this mistake and looked at turtlecest before and then I had promised at that time to never look at it again before... a promise I sadly broke.

I'm such a heel.

PLEASE VERBALLY ABUSE ME IN THE COMMENTS SECTION. I COMPLETELY DESERVE IT.

Comments

[micaturtle.livejournal.com]

thank you for the lashing. I *SO* deserved it. Bad Mica, no treat!

That's interesting that your hubbie doesnt want you reading smut either! :| hmmm... When did he ask you to not read it? Is he anti all smut or just TMNT smut? (sorry if this is prying too much, feel free to tell me to buzz off)

That's cool that you and your husband can watch something you like together. *sai* the sad thing is that Jenn doesn't looking at much. However, maybe if I do a little more research, I can find something we can both enjoy. Thanks for the suggestion.

This also explains why there havent been any updates to "Forces Within Yin & Yang" *pout* I like that story!

[horsetechie.livejournal.com]

*snrk* And to think, I usully leave the punishing of the kids to my husband, cause he can really make it sting good. I'm such a whimp.

Brad didn't outright tell me to stop reading it, but I can tell from his attitude that he did not like me getting my jollies from this stuff. Especailly when it seemed like I rather read fic or look at the art more than fangirl over him in the same way.

And it wasn't just TMNT smut... Transformer smut too. Just anything that was animated and otherwise intended for kids just really made him feel embarrassed about me.

As for the sharing, it does make sense. When you share porn flicks, it makes you understand what sort of acceptible turns are your turn-ons for love making. We liked to call it education to see what the couples (or threesomes) in the porn vids would do differently.

Cause it actually is like a passive form of cheating on each other. I can see why Jenn feels angry cause it sounds like you rahter get your jollies form the smut fic and that she is not satisfying your need in that area enough. Or vice versa, you feel like she is not doing enough to satisfy you. That is where you have to use this as a wake-up call to change something about the way you communicate and be intimate with each other.... not easy though. I still struggle with that detail with my husband (due to the cultural thing).

This also explains why there havent been any updates to "Forces Within Yin & Yang" *pout* I like that story!

*lol* Not entirely. After the Transformer bug bit me, I moved over to reading/ writing/ roleplaying TF smut instead! ;d

[micaturtle.livejournal.com]

that's weird! Jenn's rules are the opposite! She doesn't want me looking at real life porn, but she's okay with animated stuff!

Jenn has made the same arguement out loud to me about why she can't be all I need to satisfy myself in that area. However, it's very hard for me because I enjoy the written word so much. *sigh*

I shall have to try harder to find something Jenn & I can share. I just get so afraid I am going to hurt and/or overwhelm her.

Yeah, that cultural thing has to be a beech. I can imagine Korean men don't like to open up very much. (plus the fact that he's a man and feelings are "girly")

[horsetechie.livejournal.com]

Heh.. that's funny. I guess Jenn thinks animated porn is not real, so it can't be as bad?

Good luck with your progress. Hopefully your therapy can help sort things out together too.

Aye... Brad is geting to the point he prefers his mancave to hide in and do his own thing. Decided he really doesn't want to be the highly involved (and evolved?) wife-pleasing family man like so many others are becoming in this day n age. ;p