micaturtle: (ARGH)
[personal profile] micaturtle
NOTE: this entry has NOT been edited, but MAY be edited later tonight, after I talk with Jenn. It is also friends-locked.
NEW NOTE: This STILL hasn't been edited, so it may jump a bit around a little bit in thought patterns. However, I updated the date, added tags, and also un-friends-locked it.

Under the cut, I ramble about changes at work, and why I fear moving to a new town.

Argh. I have had a week from HELL. I wanted to make a post about it last week, but LJ was being a punkass.

First of all, last tuesday it was announced in a meeting that the "bosses" of my work had basically handed in their keys and resigned without any notice or without letting anyone know what was going on. Thankfully, it seems like things are going to improve at work now that they've left. However, I didn't even know if I'd have a job last week, because the company shut down the thrift store and wasn't sure what was going to happen. All of that REALLY stressed me out, because I hate not knowing what's going on.

Because of the management upset, there's a ton of changes going on in my job right now, and that also causes me a TON of stress. I know change causes everyone stress, but because of my asperger's, I am especially bad at coping with it. It's times like this that I wish I wasn't so good at dealing with my Aspergers and covering up the symptoms, then people wouldn't be so surprised when they realise I'm having a nervous breakdown because they keep moving things around.

I just have to keep telling myself that the changes being made here at work are positive ones. And they are. I'm just grumpy about changes. :p

On top of MY stress, I've also had to deal with being sensitive to Jenn's needs, as she is going through an especially volatile time right now. She's changing from one anti-depressant (effexor) to another (prozac), and so she's been having some really depressed days, as well as days where she can't deal with real life. It's important that I am there for her because I love her and I don't want her to have to deal with this on her own. (I also feel slightly guilty, because I'm the one who suggested that maybe she should change meds in the first place :[ )

It frustrates me because she keeps changing her mind. One day she'll be able to deal with my family and the stresses of everyday life, and the next she'll be swearing that she wants to move out of the state and escape from my family. I am sort of afraid to tell her that this frustrates me, because I don't want her to EVER feel like she can't change her mind after she's told me something. (and I know she's going to read this entry and think mean things about herself and think that she shouldn't change her mind because it bothers me, but I'm just going to say this to her: STOP IT! You are allowed to change your mind!)

The other thing that's been bothering me is because Jenn keeps saying that she wants to move away and out of Sioux Falls. She has told me several times that Sioux Falls is not where she wants to spend the rest of her life (mostly because of the weather), and I don't like to admit it, but that bothers me a bit. Because of my immense dislike for change, I like to think that I'll be in my same job and same residence for the rest of my life. Also, I am over 30 years old now, I'd like to look into buying a house and getting some equity socked away in it, as well as getting to a point in my life where I'm financially sound. I can't do this if I think that my life partner is unhappy in the town where we are living. However, I don't really LIKE the idea of moving, although I would do it for Jenn. These are the reasons I don't want to move. I will have to work with Jenn to come up with a Pros list for moving:
1. Having to move all my TMNT stuff, which will be expensive (I *KNOW* I could sell a lot of it, but that thought makes me sad, and I know it's selfish to be sad about selling stuff, but I'm just trying to be honest with myself here)
2. Moving away from my friends. It's hard to make new friends :{
3. Moving away from the doctors I know and also having to find a new therapist. Dr. Flynn-Crowe (Jenn & my current therapist) is REALLY good and understanding, and she knows a lot of Jenn & my "history", so rebuilding that is REALLY hard!
4. Losing the things I "know" about the community - this is tough because I will be new in a place, , I'll have to learn a whole new set of places! For example, around here, I know that if I want a certain item (lets say, a dining room table) I have a whole mental list of places I can go look at. I know that some of the places will be way overpriced, so I can avoid them, and some of the places will hard-sell you, so I can be prepared when I enter the place. If I move to a new place, all I will have is a list of places in a phone book, and I won't know anything about them.
5. I will have to learn/memorize the entire street layout of a brand new city - with Sioux Falls, if one road is overly busy or under construction, I know about 20 different routes to my destination. If I move somewhere else, I won't know if a street dead-ends, or how to get around as well.
6. Moving away from my family. Family support is important to me. I know that it isn't that important to Jenn, but I like being able to call my mom or dad up and ask them who I should go to in town when I need to get a loan for a house or set up a 401K, or do other things I've never done before. Also, I like having someone around (like my brother) who can help me with things like moving a couch, or putting up a shelf. :{ In a new town, I'd be all on my own, and if I asked "new" friends to help me, I'd feel like I was imposing! :/

I'm not sure if I even want to post this though because I'm afraid Jenn will think that it means that we shouldn't be together! I love Jennifer so much with my whole soul, and I would do anything to make her happy, but I have to think of myself too. I don't want her to think that I'm saying I WON'T move out of Sioux Falls, much to the contrary, I'd welcome the adventure with my baby. I'm just saying these are the things that I worry about and maybe that will help her see my side of the issue.
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