micaturtle: (ARGH)
[personal profile] micaturtle
NOTE: this entry has NOT been edited, but MAY be edited later tonight, after I talk with Jenn. It is also friends-locked.
NEW NOTE: This STILL hasn't been edited, so it may jump a bit around a little bit in thought patterns. However, I updated the date, added tags, and also un-friends-locked it.

Under the cut, I ramble about changes at work, and why I fear moving to a new town.


Argh. I have had a week from HELL. I wanted to make a post about it last week, but LJ was being a punkass.

First of all, last tuesday it was announced in a meeting that the "bosses" of my work had basically handed in their keys and resigned without any notice or without letting anyone know what was going on. Thankfully, it seems like things are going to improve at work now that they've left. However, I didn't even know if I'd have a job last week, because the company shut down the thrift store and wasn't sure what was going to happen. All of that REALLY stressed me out, because I hate not knowing what's going on.

Because of the management upset, there's a ton of changes going on in my job right now, and that also causes me a TON of stress. I know change causes everyone stress, but because of my asperger's, I am especially bad at coping with it. It's times like this that I wish I wasn't so good at dealing with my Aspergers and covering up the symptoms, then people wouldn't be so surprised when they realise I'm having a nervous breakdown because they keep moving things around.

I just have to keep telling myself that the changes being made here at work are positive ones. And they are. I'm just grumpy about changes. :p


On top of MY stress, I've also had to deal with being sensitive to Jenn's needs, as she is going through an especially volatile time right now. She's changing from one anti-depressant (effexor) to another (prozac), and so she's been having some really depressed days, as well as days where she can't deal with real life. It's important that I am there for her because I love her and I don't want her to have to deal with this on her own. (I also feel slightly guilty, because I'm the one who suggested that maybe she should change meds in the first place :[ )

It frustrates me because she keeps changing her mind. One day she'll be able to deal with my family and the stresses of everyday life, and the next she'll be swearing that she wants to move out of the state and escape from my family. I am sort of afraid to tell her that this frustrates me, because I don't want her to EVER feel like she can't change her mind after she's told me something. (and I know she's going to read this entry and think mean things about herself and think that she shouldn't change her mind because it bothers me, but I'm just going to say this to her: STOP IT! You are allowed to change your mind!)

The other thing that's been bothering me is because Jenn keeps saying that she wants to move away and out of Sioux Falls. She has told me several times that Sioux Falls is not where she wants to spend the rest of her life (mostly because of the weather), and I don't like to admit it, but that bothers me a bit. Because of my immense dislike for change, I like to think that I'll be in my same job and same residence for the rest of my life. Also, I am over 30 years old now, I'd like to look into buying a house and getting some equity socked away in it, as well as getting to a point in my life where I'm financially sound. I can't do this if I think that my life partner is unhappy in the town where we are living. However, I don't really LIKE the idea of moving, although I would do it for Jenn. These are the reasons I don't want to move. I will have to work with Jenn to come up with a Pros list for moving:
1. Having to move all my TMNT stuff, which will be expensive (I *KNOW* I could sell a lot of it, but that thought makes me sad, and I know it's selfish to be sad about selling stuff, but I'm just trying to be honest with myself here)
2. Moving away from my friends. It's hard to make new friends :{
3. Moving away from the doctors I know and also having to find a new therapist. Dr. Flynn-Crowe (Jenn & my current therapist) is REALLY good and understanding, and she knows a lot of Jenn & my "history", so rebuilding that is REALLY hard!
4. Losing the things I "know" about the community - this is tough because I will be new in a place, , I'll have to learn a whole new set of places! For example, around here, I know that if I want a certain item (lets say, a dining room table) I have a whole mental list of places I can go look at. I know that some of the places will be way overpriced, so I can avoid them, and some of the places will hard-sell you, so I can be prepared when I enter the place. If I move to a new place, all I will have is a list of places in a phone book, and I won't know anything about them.
5. I will have to learn/memorize the entire street layout of a brand new city - with Sioux Falls, if one road is overly busy or under construction, I know about 20 different routes to my destination. If I move somewhere else, I won't know if a street dead-ends, or how to get around as well.
6. Moving away from my family. Family support is important to me. I know that it isn't that important to Jenn, but I like being able to call my mom or dad up and ask them who I should go to in town when I need to get a loan for a house or set up a 401K, or do other things I've never done before. Also, I like having someone around (like my brother) who can help me with things like moving a couch, or putting up a shelf. :{ In a new town, I'd be all on my own, and if I asked "new" friends to help me, I'd feel like I was imposing! :/

I'm not sure if I even want to post this though because I'm afraid Jenn will think that it means that we shouldn't be together! I love Jennifer so much with my whole soul, and I would do anything to make her happy, but I have to think of myself too. I don't want her to think that I'm saying I WON'T move out of Sioux Falls, much to the contrary, I'd welcome the adventure with my baby. I'm just saying these are the things that I worry about and maybe that will help her see my side of the issue.

Date: 2011-08-01 09:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mindy-mousie.livejournal.com
They're all very valid concerns, and I feel like I wrote this entry, too. ^^" It's exactly why I won't move out of Tupelo, but if Mark snagged a darn good job out of this place, I'll find a way to manage. XD I suppose something needs to REALLY push me, ya know.

*HUGS*

Date: 2011-08-02 03:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] micaturtle.livejournal.com
Thanks so much mindy for validating my rambling concerns. If Jenn snagged an awesome job somewhere outside Sioux Falls, and could afford to support us while I looked for a job in the new town, I would TOTALLY move without much hesitation at all. However, I'm just scared of up and moving with no safety net :\

Thanks for your support though!

Date: 2011-08-01 10:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizardelfgirl.livejournal.com
I think your frustration at Jenn constantly changing her mind is not the fact that she changes her mind but not knowing if she really means it or it's just a result of her current mood. Jenn herself admits that having a new med plus other issues has kept her a bit emotionally unbalanced, so it's hard to know -even for her, I think- when something is really an issue or it's a result of the meds and/or other problems. I believe that, given enough time, her emotions will settle a bit and she'll be able to consider what she wants.

I can see why you'd rather not move. Most of your reasons are also my reasons for looking at apartments for sale in the area where I currently live for when I move out of my parents'. Just thinking of having to learn to move around in a new area is daunting, and I'm just talking about the same city! On the other hand, if at some point you do move, there are ways to make the change easier and not so stressing for you. I'd say the best thing for now is let Jenn give her reasons for wanting to move out (besides the weather) and see if any of these reasons can be solved withoug having to move, or just moving to a different area in the same city.

Wow, I'd better go before I bore you with even more rambling :p

Date: 2011-08-02 03:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] micaturtle.livejournal.com
Thanks so much for your reassurances, katz :)

Don't worry about rambling. I was rambling in my entry! ;) It wasn't boring at all, your reply was quite re-assuring and helpful.

I think I will take your advice and have Jenn make a list of her reasons for wanting to move. Thanks so much! :D

Date: 2011-08-05 10:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] soliloquy.livejournal.com
Thank you for that. You are absolutely right. Most of my venting was a result of my meds adjusting. Coming off Effexor XR and going up to my full 60mg dose of Prozac was a nightmare for a week. Finally, a week and a half later, I'm feeling better.

You are a kind and understanding person, and I appreciate you so much.
*Hugs*

Date: 2011-08-02 03:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cynlee.livejournal.com
That is definitely a lot of stress you both are under. No good in my saying anything really-- I'd just be repeating what others have said. *hugs*

Date: 2011-08-02 03:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] micaturtle.livejournal.com
thanks for your support and reply though, cyn. :) It's nice to have *hugs*, even if they are "virtual" ones.

Date: 2011-08-02 04:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] robina1984.livejournal.com
*huggles* Everyone has already said the stuff I would except this selfish little remark:

If you move out here, I/Jem can show you around and Jem can tell you places and you'll have two ready made friends waiting!

>.> Yes, I'm selfish. -_- Bad me. *huggles anyway* But I understand what you mean by everything you've said up there.

Also, no selling TMNT stuff until I have room/money. *greedy too*

Date: 2011-08-02 06:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] micaturtle.livejournal.com
hee hee. The funny thing is, NC is #1 on my list of places I'd like to move mainly BECAUSE of you and Jem! XD

Maybe we could all 4 get a place together and just have it be TMNT decorated to the MAX! =D

The main downsides to NC is:
1. It's in the south, so I'm not sure how tolarent the atmosphere is to gay couples.
2. What if we all get in some HUGEMEGADUMBASS fight after we move there? Then Jenn & I will be all alones D:

Date: 2011-08-07 08:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jem0000000.livejournal.com
I second the showing you around, and I know four or five ways to get anywhere here, so I can teach you them.

I don't know how you are with directions? I remember things best spatially - that is, distance between places, size of place, where I'm at in relation to it. It helps me to zoom down to just above street view in Google maps and wander the streets; short of actually driving around, it's one of the better ways for me to learn an area. That would work if you do either spatial or map-based direction finding. If it's list-of-turns based, I can write stuff down for you. :)

I actually think it would be better to have separate houses/apartments, but I'd like it if you lived near us. The thing is, I know sometimes I need "alone time", and it's difficult to really be alone in a house with that many people. (Actually, Robina and I get along better working different shifts than the same, and I think this ties into it - sometimes I just need to be away from other people, and being home when she's at work accomplishes that.) I don't ever want you or Jenn to feel unwelcome, and you are certainly welcome to stay with us while you're finding a place and getting settled and all. But I don't know how well I could manage a four-person household on a permanent basis.

We'll certainly help you paint your new place green, tho, lol. And I'll make you a lovely Leo-mural; I know you want one. :)

1. We're pretty much live-and-let-live. You'll get a lot of totally clueless ignorance, and a lot of people assuming you're straight until you tell them otherwise (and in some cases, then wondering if you're just saying that because you don't want to date them; some of the guys around here are totally dense. But I think that's the same anywhere...). But there's not a lot of targeted harassment; just a lot of cluelessness.

There are gay bars and homosexual-friendly churches available. The churches are even in the same city, although I'm afraid our "nightlife" tends to be live theatre and/or art exhibitions; but it's only twenty minutes to the next town over, and they have more nightlife-y sorts of nightlife.

2. Then we will just have to apologize to each other and try not to do it again.

Noes, you will not be alones. *hugs*

Date: 2011-08-08 03:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] micaturtle.livejournal.com
*pouts about not having an awesome house of TMNT fangirls* We will have to talk further about it, because I'm a punkass. But that's far-off and nothing to worry about right now.

Ewwww Leo-mural! NOESSSS! ... however, I know that Jenn will want it in the bedroom :p booo! hiss! Booo!

Date: 2011-08-31 06:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jem0000000.livejournal.com
Lol! I guess we can put the other turtles in there too. ;)

Date: 2011-08-05 10:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] soliloquy.livejournal.com
I'd LOVE to live with you guys! I'm starting college this fall, so it will be a couple years now, but when I'm ready to find a new job after I get my degree we just might head your way.

Date: 2011-08-07 08:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jem0000000.livejournal.com
Yay!

You're still planning on coming to visit beginning of next year, right?

Date: 2011-08-07 02:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] soliloquy.livejournal.com
Yes we are! It's gonna be happy fun time! :-D

Date: 2011-08-31 06:00 am (UTC)

Date: 2011-08-09 10:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lady-ganesh.livejournal.com
Hang in there!

I can definitely see why Jenn wobbles on your family/where you live, though. (I think they're both connected.) Your family is very involved, engaged, and (from this outsider's perspective at least) pretty emotionally demanding. There are certainly good aspects to this, and it's the 'normal' you grew up with, but to an outsider I think it can be frustrating (my family is more like yours, and it took a lot of compromises on both sides before we found a balance). So as she has bad and good days, it becomes harder/easier to handle your family, etc; or if she's having a good day and spent a lot of energy on giving your family her patience the day before, it may bug her more than it would otherwise.

Date: 2011-08-11 03:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] micaturtle.livejournal.com
Thanks so much for your reply, phish. It's good to know that we're not the only couple that has had to deal with these issues.

Although, I'm not sure what you mean by "if she's having a good day and spent a lot of energy on giving your family her patience the day before, it may bug her more than it would otherwise."

Date: 2011-08-11 08:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lady-ganesh.livejournal.com
Totally not.

Like "I was so good dealing with all this bullshit yesterday, what do you mean I have to put up with it TODAY TOO?" It's one of those 'but things are going so well today, don't make me deal with anything frustrating'/last straw things. At least that's what I think. ;-)

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